Ever heard that phrase?
The truth hurts.
Boy it sure does.
I've been debating about writing about this topic. I try to keep my blog light and optimistic. Encouraging and fun. But I also try to keep it real. What you read isn't an edited version of me; it's That Pink Girl through and through. I love my friends as much as I say. I really do think in pink. I am as sarcastic as I seem. I am as easily placated by stickers and glitter as you'd think.
There is more to me though, of course. And I've hesitated in sharing with you. Hesitated because I was afraid. Ashamed. But who am I if not honest? So I'm taking a risk and I'm opening up.
The truth hurts.
And no one can hurt us more than those who are closest to us. I've been hurt so very badly by the closest person in my life. Not just once, but repeatedly. Like an emotional MMA fight. Every time he'd hit me with more truth, I'd fall down. Then stubborn me, I'd shake my head, dust off my hands and stagger back up. And bam, hit again. I kept letting him hit me with his words and his truths (but mostly his lies) because that's who I am. I'm stubborn. I don't give up on those I love.
I can't take it anymore. I can't take anymore truth. I've heard all I can bear.
The truth hurts too much.
Here is my truth. I'm depressed. I don't eat. I can't sleep without medication. I don't enjoy the things that used to make me happy. I dread running. I don't leave the house except for work, errands and exercise. I don't answer e-mails from my friends. I don't call my family. The smallest tasks overwhelm me. I think bad things about myself. I cry as soon as I wake up. I hide behind the copier at work and cry. I drive home and cry. I call out to the Lord to help me. To give me strength. Romans 8:26
And I sit and wonder what happened to my life? How did this happen to ME?
For one perfect moment, I had everything. I had what people dream of. I was keenly aware of the blessings in my life and I'd go to bed thanking God for all that He had given me. I knew I had something so many people didn't.
And in an instant, it was gone.
The truth hurts.
Yes, I see a counselor. A good one. And she helps. Yes, I talk to a few trusted friends. And that helps. Daily I call on the Lord for strength. And He gives it to me as best I can handle it. 2 Corinthians 12:9
But I'm still sad. I'm not the girl I once was. He took that from me. And I'll never be the same. I may get better, I'm sure I'll get stronger, but there will always be a piece of me missing. He took that.
And I don't know how I'll put my life back together. But I will. I don't know how I'll ever feel normal again. But I will. I don't know when I'll wake up and not look for him next to me. But I will. I don't know when this hurt will go away. But it will. Exodus 14:14
Won't it?
I'm writing this to be honest. I've received so much love from the blogworld. So many prayers, so much concern. And I feel like I've let you down by not being stronger, by hiding my pain. So I'm being honest. Psalm 34:18
The truth hurts.
And am I hurting beyond belief. My heart is broken. Broken beyond repair. My body aches with grief. My soul is weary. My spirit is crushed. But I won't give up. I won't give in. I will be true to myself. And I'll be true to you.
Even when the truth hurts. So very much.
Answer me when I call to you, O my righteous God. Give me relief from my distress; be merciful to me and hear my prayer. Psalm 4:1
Oh hun. The hurt will go away but it won't happen over night, hell it won't happen over a week. It takes a very long time. Sometimes we have to go through things that we feel are so bad on us but they are for a reason, even if we don't understand what that reason is. We may not ever know what that reason is but believe that He has a reason. You are stronger than you believe. Smile, hug yourself, call your mom, call your BFF, confide in those that love you.
ReplyDeleteSorry you have to go through such pain :( **hugs from NY**
Oh, sweetie, this was a great post. You know I'm praying for you every day. What you're going through is hard, it will get easier, but right now it's HARD and you have every right to feel what you feel or don't feel. I've held a few hands in your situation and can certainly hold yours through the blogosphere. Prayers and love to you, friend.
ReplyDeleteIt all sucks. All you've been through, all you've had to deal with...all of it. You never deserved to ever be treated even the smallest bit of how you were (and still are) being treated. I wish I had the answer of why you are having to deal with this. Don't you wish God would just hurry up and teach us whatever it is we are supposed to learn through these situations and be done with it!? I am so glad you have so many great friends surrounding you. You are loved by many. You are an encouragement to many. Hold your head up high, my friend knowing you have so many people praying for you daily. You deserve that Ironman (I think we should even throw in one with an Aussie accent too, whatcha' think!? =)
ReplyDeleteIt will.
ReplyDeleteYou will.
Being transparent is so hard and you are strong to do this! We LOVE you. LOTS!
Praying for you daily. For strength. For peace. For healing. For the JOY you once had, to come back and flood you, in a most overwhelming way.
Here for you.
xo
You would think, of all people, I would have some words of wisdom for you. But I just don't know what to say. It hurts. It sucks. It's not fair. This is the kind of thing that happens to other people, not us. My mom used to say, "This too shall pass," and I never believed her. But one day I woke up and she was right. You are strong, and you will come out on the other side of this even stronger. I pray every day for peace and comfort for your heart.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you. ***Big Hug***
ReplyDeleteThe truth does hurt and you have more pain in your heart than you can even possibly articulate. You are a strong one, though. You are a magnet, too, as I told you on Saturday. People are drawn to you - your wit, your spirit, your sarcasm, your charm, your faith... Those same people who are drawn to you (me included) will do our best to lift you up. We are all here for you to support you and love you whether near or far.
ReplyDeleteYou will never be the same again, this is true, but you will heal. Right now it is so very real, raw, and overwhelming. It's like mourning a death. Just take it one day at a time and be patient with yourself.
Know that you are loved. Hugs to you, my sweet friend.
Aww...I'm really so sorry to hear that you are going through such a tough time. I don't have any advice or easy answers, but know that this will pass. I applaud your honesty and bravery in writing this post and I hope that it is the therapeutic and healing in some ways and you realize all the support that you have. It's hard to know and understand it now, but somehow God has a plan for this season in your life and he will give you strength to get through it and plans to prosper you on the other side. {{HUGS}}
ReplyDeleteStay strong! You will get through this and come out a better, stronger, happier person. I know it does not seem that way now, but there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. You will get there. Take each day one day at a time and remember you DO have your friends and you DO have your family to support you. Dont forget you also have us.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry that you are going through this but you are certainly not alone! God will give you the strength to get through and one day you will look back and realize the strength and courage you had. I know because it has happened to me with a guy...one that I loved dearly. God was my constant strength and has seen me through. "Weeping may last the night but rejoicing comes in the morning." I pray your morning comes soon!
ReplyDeleteYou know that I am praying for you daily. No one should have to go through the hurt that you have endured from someone so close. I am sure it feels like a betrayal of the biggest proportion. I think you are taking the right steps for healing, but it is going to take some time. Think of this like the worst leg break in history. It's going to take weeks and weeks to heal with lots and lots of physical therapy. Maybe you should do a post about what drove you nuts while the roommate still lived there? I can be a petty person, but it always makes me feel good to blast someone on the internet when they have done me wrong. Or maybe just write the post and save it to drafts? You can write a TON of things down and never hit publish. It may make you feel better.
ReplyDeletewow--you are so brave to put it out there like this. I'm glad you are taking steps to get where you need to be. And it sounds to me like you're pretty strong, so I believe you will get there. Take care.
ReplyDeleteIt takes a stronger person to admit their feelings than one who hides from them. Good for you for being able to let this out. Your days of dreading running will be short lived. Hang in there. Thinking of you and knowing it will get better.
ReplyDeletexx another pink girl
I echo what the ladies have already said. YOU ARE AMAZING! Don't you ever forget that and no one can take that from you. Ever. Prayers and hugs to you!
ReplyDeleteThank you for trusting us and sharing this part of yourself. My heart hurts for you. I have and still do deal with a person in my life that seems to take pleasure in knocking me down...a thorn in my flesh...and I it has changed me. I don't know the details of your pain but I think I can identify with it, actually all of it. I know it's hard to see right now past the hurt, hard to breath with out feeling like you are breathing in sorrow...hard to see yourself apart from this sadness...but you will. And it can happen in the midst of these circumstance's. I used to ask God just make it go away (the pain, the person) but He showed me that His grace is sufficient right here, right now. He has a purpose in this, yes, even when it is the bad intention of another, He allows us to go through it. Because you are His child you know that He loves you deeply. He loves you with an unending love. Find comfort in His love for you. The mind is the enemy's battle ground, as I'm sure you know, so fight, Pink Girl fight! You are strong in Him, you will be strong again, I know because of who He is working in you. A verse that has been particularly helpful to me is Romans 8:35
ReplyDelete"Who will separate us from the love of Christ? Will tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us"
This can be overcome! this can be conquered! and not just a little victory but an overwhelmingly victory! To Him be all the glory. Praying for you.
Oh, girl. I'm so sorry. You will get better, and so much stronger, but it takes so much damn time. And it's mostly a solo journey. But you've got a whole posse of people praying for you. I hope that helps you through the darker times.
ReplyDeleteOh pinky.... it will get better. I am so glad you have a counselor and friends to talk to about how you are feeling. I know it may seem hopeless, things WILL change. You WILL work through this and find your happy place again. Hang in there. Praying for you.
ReplyDeleteOh honey, you know how much I love and adore you. You are just the sweetest soul and have such an amazing spirit. You are funny, kind, spunky and downright cute. I can't imagine how anyone could ever hurt you, but, sadly, as we both know, life isn't fair. You are stronger than you know. I cannot offer you words of true advice or anything like changing, but, I can offer you hugs, a shoulder to lean on and someone who's always up for a Jake's or Smashburger date. ;)
ReplyDeletexoxo
love you
My heart hurt for you as I read this. I am sad for you. And will be praying for you daily that you can find balance again in your life.
ReplyDelete"I know God won't give me anything I can't handle. I just wish he didn't trust me so much."
— Mother Teresa
You will get past this.... you be be a stronger person for it!
ReplyDeletexoxo
Letting the person go will not be easy, but will prove necessary. Healing takes time. It is the bridge between past situations and the new great things on the horizon. I appreciate your honesty in this blog. I'm glad that you broke down the wall - for yourself and your readers.
ReplyDeleteTake the time you need to heal. Running, this blog, will be here.
You are so brave, my dear friend. To put all of this out there, to face up to what you are feeling, even the truly awful parts of it. We are all here for you, for whatever you need, whenever you need it. To help you heal.
ReplyDeleteSomeone sent me this when I was going through my divorce: "Those who trust in the Lord for help will find their strength renewed."
these hard times suck...but, i know you will find strength. you are strong and beautiful! i will have you in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteThank you for trusting us enough to share this. I'm sorry you're going through so much, but if it makes you feel ANY better at all - I've been through something very, very similar (it sounds) and it took me a VERY long time to get back to myself and if we're being honest, I'm not the same girl I once was, but all of this to say that YOU will get back there!
ReplyDeletethinking of you, xoxox
ReplyDeleteYou are on the right path and yes a very brave girl, NEVER believe lies!! Always compare what you think or hear to the Word of God and trust HIM, not them. Praying for you, you will be back to your sassy self soon. Hugs and love, M
ReplyDeleteJust coming back to send some love your way. :-) Keep your head up!
ReplyDeleteOh, honey. My heart goes out to you. Stay strong, keep your chin up, keep praying.
ReplyDeleteHearty support from your #1 Wisconsin fan: thinking of you and wishing you peace. It's hard to hold your head up in the positive blogosphere when the undercurrent is so forceful - but you're strong. Strong enough that other people read what you dare to share and get stronger just for reading it.
ReplyDelete"On my feet I walk, with my legs I run, in my arms I'll hold another day; with my head I think, from my heart I sing, with my hands to my face I pray..." (Sister Hazel)
I am sending positive and healing juju your way. I know it might seem cliche, but everything happens for a reason and we aren't ever given more than we can handle. You will be stronger because of your experiences, you will find your way again, and your life will be better than you ever imagined. It will happen.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing, you are not the only one who has found herself in this dark place.
Hey Pink Girl-
ReplyDeleteI have never commented before, but I blogstalk you all the way from Alabama. I think you are just precious and you totally motivate me in so many ways--running, your faith, your friendships, etc! I have done a few half marathons but an ultra...that is intense. I just wanted you to know that I will be praying for you. I am so so sorry that you have been hurt. God just asks that we lean on Him during times like these, and I will pray that you can find some rest and comfort in that. (Matthew 11:28-30). You are just so sweet and I know that we would be friends if we lived close by! Again, know that you're being prayed for and keep your chin up!
lovely pink girl,
ReplyDeleteyou are INCREDIBLE. you are an amazing runner (an ULTRA! seriously!) and your reliance on the Lord is really, really awesome. also- I'm sure you already know this, but you are a really, really, really good writer. in addition to being beautiful and honest, this post was really well written- a gift a lot of folks don't have.
thanks for sharing, and I'll keep you in my prayers :)
love,
vanessa :)
Be real, let it out, and hopefully this post helped make you feel better.
ReplyDeleteNow that you've let it all out, maybe you'll be able to start picking up the pieces. One piece at a time. Do one really enjoyable thing today, take a lovely spring walk, stop and smell the roses, find the beauty in one thing today.
You will overcome this, you're one of the toughest cookies I know.
Letting it out helps. Big hugs coming you way!
ReplyDeletejust checking in on you to let you know I was thinking and praying for you(((hugs)))
ReplyDeletepraying for you today.
ReplyDeletehugs.
lifting you in prayer♥
ReplyDeletexo
I am so sorry for your hurt, for your pain, I know it is not a good place to be. You show more strength that you probably even know in this post written from the heart. You will get past this even if you can't see that now. And the pain will pass, even though it seems so consuming now. There is an old saying that God doesn't give us anything we can't handle, but the truth is he does, because it is in those moments when we can't handle it that we depend the most on Him and that is how it should be. With your post it shows that you are doing just that, let Him ease your pain, let Him be your healer. He will get you through this even stronger than you were before (and are now). I will keep you in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteI'm praying for strength and healing for you right now. Thanks for your honesty. While I don't know your story, I've been in a very dark place like this before and am a living testament that you can come back from it.
ReplyDeleteAsk and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you." Matthrew 7:7
The LORD is there to help you through. Keep your focus on Him, even when it's hard, because He loves you and wants what is good for you.
Stay strong -- hope you can feel the support from all of us.
ReplyDelete